yellow accents.

Image: Country Living

This room feels like Spring. I'll be so happy this spring; it'll be a time of new beginnings/life for us, literally. The weather on the California coast has me confused as to what season this is exactly. The hills have started to turn green (things a NC girl associates with Spring), the days are warm and breezy but the nights are just as cold as Autumn should be. And mornings even colder (at least in our little uninsulated house).

I'll be happy to get to NC and be in the feel of a season as I remember it to be. Making a pine cone wreath in 70 degree weather somehow just ain't right!

fairy door

I will be putting one of these in my house when it's filled with little ones who understand the concept of the tooth fairy. Can you imagine how far the imagination could run with these? More info on Ohdeedoh.

how far does love go?

A little warning: It's only 6:45 AM now; I've been up with the sun. There is bound to be a stream of consciousness to follow.All of my life, up until the moment I met Philipp, I'd always wondered if love would find me and if it did, would it prove itself worthy? I'd never been a person to settle and was content with being alone and doing my travels if the love I wanted could only be had at 65, 75 or 95 %. I was always very all or nothing. I suppose this is because I was always fully aware of what I would put into a relationship, and that was nothing short of my very soul...blood, sweat, tears, the full speeding train. Life was (and continues to be) too short for half-assed love affairs.
***
As you can imagine, this intensity probably confused a lot of my 20 year old peers.
: ) Scary is probably the word that would come to mind. Haha. I just never could be bothered with the small talk. Let's get down to business. Who are you? What makes you tick? What makes your blood boil? Are you passionate? If not, why are we talking?
***
Anyways, as I stumbled into that love of mine that was more than 95%, the fear of "How far does love go?" would creep to mind. As in, can love be broken? The real kind? Does it have it's limits or does it withstand all crucibles it's placed in & emerge ever purer for it?
***
One of my biggest fears is that in the hour of my beloved's need, I will fail. Meaning, my love will be less than what I've convinced myself it to be. If faced with chronic illness or something equally as horrible, will I be able to dig to that place of truth and love and serve the person I promised to stand by with all of my heart even as they slip further away from the person I'd known and loved before? Or will I become broken, scared, impatient and hurtful?

I always wondered if someone came at us to do us harm, would I refuse to leave his side or would I run? And if I did run, even if he told me to, would that mean I loved him less or that I'd feared death more than I'd loved him? And if it did mean this, what did it make of the love I'd declared and the life I'd lived with him? Would my moment(s) of weakness reveal a shaky love or just that I'm flawed, like we all are?

I know these scenarios are a bit contrived and ridiculous, but they're the most extreme situations I can come up with that would test a person.
***
A few months ago, Philipp caught some kind of cold and was holed up in the little garden house to get well. I'd been doing my duty of making him food and bringing him drinks, but I was in a rotten mood; the door kept knocking over hot things I would bring him, I was tired of hearing him complain, etc. etc. I just selfishly wanted him to get well so I could have my fun friend back. And I was only moderately sympathetic.

Then in the latter part of August, we found out we're expecting a baby. And I began to get sick. Really, really sick. Worse and more trying than anything I've experienced. It lasted all day and interrupted my sleep at night. It made me shiver and shake and groan out of misery pretty much 24/7.

For 6 weeks my best friend laid beside me in my hour(s) of need as if the pain were his own and never once complained.

I lasted 2 days for him.
***
And this is how a European-born lifelong Atheist taught a Southern-born ex-church going Agnostic to love.
***
And to think, without a commandment to do so in sight.

the good list.

Yes, this is mine. Number 4 of the 8 it took to convince me I'd been taken over by an alien.

Wow. It's been a long time since I've done one of these. Not to say my life is not filled with things to be thankful for, it's just that when you feel so bad physically, it's hard to focus on those things I otherwise would not overlook.

1) All day sickness making its exit. I'm now nearly 12 weeks pregnant. Even though I get discouraged at how slowly its leaving, thank god it is!
2) Getting to see Neil play on my birthday. It was a short set, but it was the only time either one of us have made one of his shows. We sat outside all day on the lawn with our good friends on a blanket. The weather was perfect.
3) Going back to NC in 3 weeks. I am so excited to see everyone and be there for the holiday season. Especially since Jessie is in the hospital in Kentucky until the twins are born & we plan to spend some time there.
4) Stopping over at our good friends, Ian and Sarah's place in Albuquerque. Breakfast knows no bounds at our {mutual} favorite breakfast joint.
5) Philipp getting into cozy long sleeve baseball t-shirts. Human pillow, anyone?
6) Going to watch the Trick-or-Treaters in a local neighborhood this afternoon. Mini Laffy Taffy, Sweetarts, hell yes. Has Philipp ever been in the States to watch this shit go down? I have no idea.
7) Getting to see The Nugget's heartbeat on ultrasound earlier this week. Always reassuring.
8) October coming to a close so I can shamelessly focus on...the holidays...after Philipp's November 12th birthday, of course.
9) Do you realize how much food I am going to eat this Thanksgiving? I don't think you do.
10) Wanting to do fun stuff with Jake & James while we're there (we will see if this happens).
11) A Christmas Carol in cinemas. Yes.
12) Only about 6 more weeks 'til we find out if this Nugget is packing a nub or not.

one line a day.

I want this.
I've always been a journal keeper. Just tack that on to the other incriminating proof that I am my mother's clone.
This is an old fashioned 5 year diary where you write just a couple lines a day. Its formatted where you can see what you wrote on that day in previous years. As my free time will be dwindling soon, I think this would be a great way to remember all the small but precious moments that add up to our lives.

New Poll + cross-dressing a newborn if it's a boy.

I know I have like 8 readers probably, but I added a poll to guess what the sex of our baby will be. We will find out in about two months or so. You can only guess once so make it a good one!

PS. Our entire family thinks it's a girl. This may or may not be because after two younger brothers and my sister having twin boys, there needs to be a testosterone balance.

I'm going with Team Pink, mainly because I cannot think of a single boy's name and this:I need to stay away from the girls' clothing section until further notice. I do take solace in the fact that there is little else cuter than a boy in stripey pajamas such as these:Also, I am setting a new record for looking at Christmas stuff before my birthday is even here this year. I think its all those feel good hormones coursing through me right now. Excuse!

an overcast day, some perfect slippers + a book.

I don't know why, but just as the sun was about to peek through my dreary days of all day sickness and bring me relief (I had a few pretty good days wherein I did not throw up & only had the late afternoon/evening torture), I start feeling really bad all over again.

Last night was a bad night. Mental note to self: never, ever, ever eat Chinese food again. Ever. Sure you may think its close enough to Thai food that it will go (and stay) down, but it's not. And it won't.

Also: as a general rule, if it did not taste reasonably good going down, guess what? It won't coming back up either. Death to the Sesame Chicken. A plague on your houses!
****
Today the skies have given us the first truly overcast day since we got here. Not just fog, overcast. I stayed in bed and napped off and on all day. It was more enjoyable to know the world around me was not bathed in sunshine & light while I was holed up inside.I saw these custom made slippers on the blog, Little Brown Pen and fell in love. So cozy and stylish. Check them out here.

I'm in week 9. Only 3 more weeks 'til week 12 + I am hoping all you people out there have not been lying about it going away around then.PS. If anyone is looking to get lost in a good book, I am only halfway through this one, but can recommend it so far. Ignore the Thomas Kinkade-esque cover + pick it up.