In general, I'm very pro "learn from others' lives, mistakes, experiences, etc." and I am also in general, a big planner. That being said, I found this at the library and read it in a day or so:
Aside from having really lame cover art, this book was pretty discouraging. It tried to end on a sort of encouraging, "but it really IS all worth it" kind of note, but I did not feel that excited upon closing its covers and the general message I got from the book was "you're relationship with your partner is never going to be the same" and "prepare for all sorts of tension & disagreements after your 1st child". It did give some basic relationship & communication pointers, but I was still left wondering, "Do all couples really have this hard of a time at it?" and " Is my relationship with my husband really going to automatically be that strained after having a baby?"Philipp and I are blessed with a really great, open & loving relationship where we communicate exceptionally well (as far as generic male/female standards go). We try really hard to not let small things creep into our relationship by dealing with conflicts immediately and with lots of ridiculous humor, we are able to keep things light in spite of whatever circumstances we're in. We've weathered a fair amount of hardships in our time together, and its only welded us more strongly to each other. (F.Y.I. Go with an international relationship if you want to crank the stress factor up a notch or two! :)
Anyhow, after reading this wonderful (yeah.) book, I'm interested in getting feedback from other mothers/couples who've crossed that threshold of becoming a parent and the affects it had on your relationship: the good, bad & neutral! Is it what you expected? Better or worse than people told (or warned!)? Any advice you'd give a couple like us, slowly moving (ie. thinking about moving!!) towards babyville?
4 comments:
i once outright asked my husband what he felt about our relationship now that we had kids and gave him the rather narrow perhaps "better", "the same", or "worse". i said that i felt our relationship was better in that i got to see more complexity to his personality and there was more of him to love to see him not just as the man i love but as the father of my children. because he is a great, involved father it brings about more respect too. he said "about the same or a little worse" (which shocked me) because we got to spend a lot less one on one time
Ooooooh...the relationship AFTER baby. {smile}
Well, I have to say that I {and my husband} were completely unprepared for the reality of how our relationship would change after we had our daughter. But then again, we were completely unprepared for the reality of what having a baby was like period. I honestly believe that there is no way to be truly prepared for what a baby will do to your lives or relationship until you actually have one. We THOUGHT we were prepared. I think this time around {second pregnancy}, knowing that there is no way to really be "ready" makes us way ahead of the game! How ironic, right?
Anyway, the first year after our daugher was born was absolutely the most challenging year of our marriage so far. But that's not a bad thing. It's a neccessary thing. There is SO much to learn about raising a child and also about taking care of and living with your spouse. When you have a baby, ALL that comes to the table. And if it doesn't, wouldn't that be kind of like stunted growth? Growing pains...you know they hurt but you get bigger and stronger in the end.
I would say to any couple having their first baby...
Know that this is going to be an extremely challenging part of your lives together, but try not to let that scare you. It's a natural funtion of a marriage I think to have to endure a stretching and pulling of your commitment to one another. Don't leave issues unresolved {because there will be many!}, learn from them and your marriage and children will be stronger and happier for it.
Jenny-- I think that the less one on one time (sometimes literally haha) is probably the biggest shock after a baby--at least I anticipate it being that. Plus, simple things like just going out to the bookstore and siting with your husband can be a challenge. I have two younger bros who are 12 & 14 years younger than me so I always had babies in the house, yet I am starting to realize how much of an enormous difference there is between oh, he is going shell--here ya go mama...and ITS FULLY MINE.
Corin--thanks for replying! : )
I've always had this sort of upside down triangle example in my head about how the couple's relationship should be at the top two points and funnel down to the child instead of the other way around...ie. baby being ALL.
I would imagine its super consuming at first and becomes easy to neglect so to speak, your primary relationship w/ your husband.
But, I think thats the best thing you can give a child, is day in and out seeing a healthy,loving marriage. And so many times parents focus only on their child while their relationship suffers or deteriorates in many cases.
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